Generation Gap
by Briarpaw
Summary: This is a series of theoretical speculation on what exactly happened so that almoat all the warrior characters in ThunderClan in Into the Wild already exist at the end of Bluestar's Prophecy. Rated T for ridiculousization of serious issues.
1. Explantion 1: A la Old Testament!

**There will be six instalments for sure. If no one reads this there won't be more after that. I'm doing this because Tearsofwolves told me that I have no idea how easy it is to take the more serious things from warriors and make them funny. So I have decided to find out. **

**This fanfic will consist of explanations for what happened to all the kits (except Darkstripe and Longtail) in between White-eye's litter and the apprentices of Firepaw's time while Bluestar got old (already on a late life with a greying muzzle by the time he joined the Clan even though she was only three years old when she gave up her kits and became deputy).**

**I don't own Warriors so none of these explanations are the real one.**

**I'd like to wheedle the real one out of Erin Hunter but I don't think even she knows (or cares).**

**I also don't own the Old Testament which is in the Bible or the concept of the upside down pyramid which is owned by the creators of Rugrats. Nor do I technically own the computer I'm typing this on which was paid for by my father. But I DO own the memory stick I have it saved on.**

**Explanation #1: A la Old Testament!**

Heatherstar stood on the Great Rock at Fourtrees. She was on her ninth life. Today would be the final great act of her leadership. Hawkheart stood beneath the Great Rock where her deputy would normally be. It had been his idea. Poor Talltail had disapproved of the plan all along. He and Hawkheart's new apprentice Barkpaw stood at the back of the throng of warriors, forced onto this mission but unwilling. Barkpaw still had kitten fur and was sick. His nose snuffled every few minutes.

"Cats of WindClan, we must avenge the kits and elders who suffered when ThunderClan destroyed our medicine supplies. Remember Whiteberry who would have lived were it not for the heart attack (**yes, I realize cats don't know what heart attacks are)** brought on by Fuzzypelt diving into his den. Remember Waterkit and Westkit who were trampled under the feet of the fighters. (Waterkit was bluish-gray with a white spot on her paw and Westkit was black except for a white mark that was facing west when he was born.)

"Waterkit and Westkit would not have died if Hawkheart had tended to him like he was supposed to instead of lamenting that he couldn't kill more invading cats!" A queen called. This was Morningflower's mother who will not have a name because I'm fresh out of names that can't be made fun of.

"No, Waterkit and Westkit would not have died if the author was a better writer. She needs a reason for us to STILL hate ThunderClan for this even though it happened moons ago and they have a new leader who is focusing her ambitions on fighting ShadowClan and RiverClan," shouted Ashpaw, who was very easily the most sharp-minded cat in the Clan but whose opinion would always and forever be overlooked. "And it's a pretty flimsy pretext at that. Cats die in battle all the time. Even kits' deaths can be blamed on other Clans and yet no one goes this far." Ashpaw's mentor, Stormcloud, who has no living relatives in WindClan and therefore must have a name that can be made fun of, said, "Shut up!"

"Wait!" shouted Ashpaw. (**Ashpaw is not the Ashfoot of the later books. She is Ashfoot's aunt's mate's mother.) **"How can Stormcloud have no living relatives? We're all related in these Clans. It's like European royalty."

"We'll just say he was adopted as a rogue and had a mate but she was tragically unable to have kits, okay?" said the irritated Heatherstar. "Now can we get back to the narrative flow of the story, okay?"

"Okay," said Ashpaw, sitting back down on her haunches. Her most obvious fault was that she rarely knew when to shut up. But at the moment Hawkheart was looking at her cruelly and she was finding it easy to imagine his teeth in her throat. Heatherstar went on talking.

"As you know, it is every leader's goal to deserve a place in Secrets of the Clans. Not because she's a recent leader..."

"Or medicine cat," interjected Hawkheart.

Heatherstar continued as if he hadn't spoken. "Crookedstar didn't do anything special, yet he's in there because he will still be leader of RiverClan when the messiah gets here. He..."

"There's a messiah coming?" yowled Redclaw. Other cats were looking confused.

"No, no! There's a cat coming to the forest that will be treated like a messiah, even getting his own book series based on him. But he will be an ordinary cat, if somewhat of a Mary Sue. Then he will become leader of ThunderClan and will be a flat character in subsequent book series and will be hated by a large number of fanfiction writers' profiles. But I thought the word messiah would be delightfully blasphemous considering what Twoleg mythology gave me the idea for our master plan..."

"Crookedstar didn't do nothing!" shouted Oakheart, on reflex to defend his brother. "Did you even read Secrets of the Clans? He will accept help from ThunderClan warriors to prevent his Clan from starving and he will shelter ThunderClan from a fire...wait a minute. That's NOT especially legend worthy. But he is an awesome brother," Oakheart finished defiantly.

"Get out of here," hissed a grey she-cat. "You're not in WindClan."

"Yeah, you're not supposed to know about this mission," hissed a black-and-white tom. "It's a secret from all Clans except ThunderClan and WindClan. ShadowClan must be characterized as the evil Clan and this disturbingly tips the balance."

"Al right," grumbled Oakheart, while secretly thinking that WindClan was talking so loudly right now that any cat's sensitive ears should pick up what they were planning. "Tell you what, you kill Timberfur so I can become deputy of RiverClan and I'll keep quiet."

"Okay," said Hawkheart. Oakheart walked away, thinking jealously that Hawkheart's name made way more sense than his did.

"So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted," growled Heatherstar. " I want to be the next Owlstar. I want to be famous for pulling off something no cat has done before."

Ashpaw, having realized that Hawkheart wasn't stupid enough-she hoped!-to risk exile from the Clan by attacking her, shouted, "Secrets of the Clans has already been published and you're not in it!"

Every head turned. Ashpaw realized she had gone too far this time. She gulped and took a step back. The last thing she wanted was to suggest that Heatherstar was not important enough to be more than a prop for the Erin Hunters.

"Elder Duty!" screamed Heatherstar. "Until further notice, you are on elder duty! And since you always insist that elders are only respected in theory but should be in practice and therefore this isn't a punishment, your brothers and sister will be on elder duty with you. They'll punish you for me."

"What?!" shrieked Smokepaw, Sootpaw and Cinderpaw (their mother didn't have much imagination).

"Isn't this a sign of the author's lack of imagination?" Ashpaw asked pointedly.

Because Ashpaw is starting to annoy me, Smokepaw, Sootpaw and Cinderpaw all grabbed her by the scruff and dragged her back to camp where they forced her to put mouse bile on not only the elders' ticks but their own ticks as well. Then they took turns making her eat it. The mouse bile I mean, not the ticks.

Thus the idiotic banter ended and the real action began. Heatherstar led her Clan to the ThunderClan camp with Hawkheart at her side. Talltail brought up the rear, making sure to nudge little Barkpaw to his feet every time he stumbled. It really was cruel to force a sick apprentice to go to a battle but Heatherstar said she needed both her medicine cats at the ready. Of course you couldn't expect a cat who was cruel enough to enslave a Clan to care that one of her own apprentices was sick.

That's right, enslave a Clan. ThunderClan was organized like this at the time.

Leader: Bluestar (Sunstar just died)

Deputy: Robinwing

Medicine cat: Featherwhisker (Apprentice, Spottedpaw)

Warriors: Stormtail, Adderfang, Swiftbreeze, Sparrowpelt, Smallear, Speckletail, Thrushpelt, White-eye, Leopardfoot, Patchpelt, Thistleclaw, Lionheart, Goldenflower, Tigerclaw, Whitestorm, Frostfur, Brindleface, Redtail, Willowpelt

Apprentices: Spottedpaw, Runningpaw, Mousepaw

Queens: Dappletail, Rosetail

Elders: Windflight, Fuzzypelt, Poppydawn

At the time of the invasion, Bluestar was on her way to the Gathering accompanied by Robinwing, Featherwhisker, Stormtail, Swiftbreeze, Sparrowpelt, Speckletail, Thrushpelt, Leopardfoot, Thistleclaw, Lionheart, Goldenflower, Tigerclaw, Redtail, Willowpelt, Spottedpaw and Mousepaw.

That left Adderfang, Smallear, White-eye, Patchpelt, Whitestorm, Frostfur, Brindleface, Runningpaw and the queens and elders to defend the camp. When WindClan attacked, Patchpelt and Runningpaw were in the elder's den attending to their care. Smallear, White-eye and Whitestorm had gone off to investigate a trap left by the Thunderpath in the form of rabbit bones with WindClan scent on them. Rosetail had insisted on going with them because she was far enough away from kitting. The patrol was lucky enough that no one got hit but that part of the story is not important. So only Adderfang, Frostfur and Brindleface were outside the dens watching the camp when WindClan attacked. Frostfur and Brindleface had been having a discussion whose outcome was crucial to their futures.

"Whitestorm's waaay cuter," insisted Brindleface.

"But not as brave," Frostfur answered.

"Not as impulsive doesn't equal not as brave," argued Brindleface.

"Yes, it does," the simpering young Frostfur giggled.

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh"

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh."

"I hate to disrupt this _serious academic discussion _but we seem to have an invasion on our paws," Adderfang meowed.

While the sisters had been arguing about whose crush was the better tomcat, WindClan had climbed down the side of the ravine. Cats were entering through the main gorse tunnel, the dirtplace tunnel and every crack in the fern barrier they could find. Hearing the commotion, Windflight poked his head out of the elders' den.

"Foxdung," he swore. "I knew this would happen on the same day that mouse-brained young leader decided to let the camp air out and cleared away ferns!"

Adderfang wasted no time in leaping onto the Highrock. "Cats of ThunderClan," he shouted. "We are being invaded."

Patchpelt, Runningpaw and the elders ran out of the elders' den. Frostfur and Brindleface stopped pulling each other's fur and straitened up. Dappletail ran out of the nursery.

"Not you!" shouted Adderfang. "You're too close to kitting!" Dappletail obediently turned and fled into the nursery.

Adderfang, Patchpelt, Runningpaw, the two sisters and the elders fought their hardest but they were quickly overpowered by the WindClan cats who forced them to eat poppy seeds and then tied them up carefully with Twoleg string to make sure they couldn't fight back when they woke up. When the rabbit bone patrol got back they were shocked to find that WindClan had taken over their camp. They too fought their hardest but were force-fed poppy seeds and tied up in their sleep. As quickly as possible, a WindClan delegation made their way to Fourtrees so that no one would notice anything was out of the ordinary. The WindClan delegation was the last to arrive and the first to leave the Gathering. This was so they could get to ThunderClan's camp before the ThunderClan delegation did.

Bluestar surveyed her camp in the dark. There were the dens, the fresh-kill pile and...her Clanmates all tied up.

Dappletail hurried out of the nursery. "Hi, Bluestar," she said nervously. "This isn't my fault, you know. I gave birth to three kits tonight. Barkpaw and Talltail have been really helpful. Talltail grinned as he poked his head out of the nursery. Barkpaw was sitting to the side of the nursery where he had been giving Talltail instructions. Dappletail had not allowed him into the nursery with his snuffly nose, his cough and his nasely voice.

"That's great, Dappletail," said Bluestar evenly. "But what is WindClan doing in our camp and why are my warriors tied up? And how does a cat tie a knot anyway?"

"That," said Heatherstar malevolently. "Is for me to know and you to NEVER find out."

"We'll do anything you say," sighed Bluestar. "Just untie my Clanmates."

Thus began the reign of WindClan over ThunderClan. Secretly of course. ThunderClan hunted for themselves and then for WindClan.

To save her kits, Dappletail sent Darkkit, Brightkit and Icekit off on the river in a Twoleg box. It got lodged up against the stepping stones minutes from when she set it off. Annoyed that her plan had failed Dappletail hurried to the stepping stones, cursing herself for going on that expedition as a young warrior that had made her fearful of water for life. Furious that she had been able to send them off, Heatherstar made a new rule. No ThunderClan cat could go out without being shadowed by a WindClan cat. From that time on, no more kits were snuck out of camp. Not that any of them could be born with the herbs Heatherstar was making each expectant queen take.

Icekit, who was deaf, disappeared from camp when he was about three moons old. Brightpaw died fighting a badger when she was twelve moons old. Darkstripe was mentored by Tigerclaw and grew strong and mean. But he was no Moses. He acted tough but in the end he avoided fighting WindClan since he didn't have to.

Then one day some cat figured out that all tying knots is, is twisting a rope around in weird positions. The awe of WindClan was gone. ThunderClan rebelled and drove them out. Hawkheart left the Clan in disgrace. As for Tallstar he was perfectly happy to refrain from telling any reporters the story seeing as he himself had been bullied by Heatherstar. She never made it into Secrets of the Clans or any other warriors' field guide and she never WILL.

In the year after WindClan were forced out of their enslavement of ThunderClan, Longkit, Dustkit, Sandkit , Graykit, Ravenkit and five unnamed kits who died of greencough were born.

This chapter in WindClan's history has never been mentioned to other Clans, or indeed to the younger generation. But WindClan was unused to caring for themselves after all that time of letting ThunderClan cats hunt for them. They were easily driven out by ShadowClan. Dappletail, remembering how Tallstar and Barkface had helped her give birth and taken care of her kits after they were born and then found on the river, convinced Bluestar to get them back.

**I realize that while this instalment started out funny, the end was not funny at all but you can't make a thing like this funny. The next one will be hilarious all the way through, I promise. Next: Featherwhisker's Awesume Aging Potion! After that I'm still brainstorming and I don't know yet but I am definitely open to suggestions. **

**To everyone who likes Moonflower Grows Up, Redo and Regret and From Sandstorm's Perspective, there will be at least one new chapter in each next Saturday if I get ANY reviews for this series. That's my motivation.**

**I need to go now, as I have tons of homework and also a doctor's appointment.**


	2. Explanation 2: Aging Potion!

**Disclaimer: I don't own warriors. But I own the characters of Ashpaw and her meanie siblings as well as Brightkit. And I don't own the idea of Icekit but I do own the cat himself as characterized here. In addition to this I am also the author of four **_**serious**_** fanfiction series and one one-shot.**

**Explanation #2: Featherwhisker's Awesome Aging Potion!**

"So if you mixed the right herbs together would you get a love-inducing concoction?" asked the newly named Spottedleaf.

Featherwhisker stopped mixing a poultice for aching joints that Windlflight had requested (for Poppydawn, not himself, so he said) and attended to this new more urgent problem.

"Spottedleaf, you're a medicine cat! The last thing you need is to go near a love-inducing concoction. Besides it's a waste of your time. You're supposed to be healing the Clan, not match-making!"

"I know that," Spottedleaf meowed quickly. "But Rosetail was just saying that there should be a love-inducing potion for brainless toms to eat so the she-cats that like them can get them. Now Frostfur and Brindleface are both pestering me to make one. I had to at least ask."

"That Rosetail!" sighed Featherwhisker. "She's always trouble. Now take this to Windflight and if you see Frostfur or Brindleface on the way, tell them that in order to make a love-inducing concoction, we need a rare herb from the Australian Outback. And since I don't know how to get to the Australian Outback I can't make the poultice."

"Yes, Featherwhisker," meowed Spottedleaf, who had no idea where or what the Australian Outback was but was relieved to get out the medicine den and away from Featherwhisker right now.

As soon as she was gone, Featherwhisker slipped into a cleft in the rocks of his den that only he knew about. He laughed what he fondly imagined was a maniacal laugh. (Actually it was a rather stupid and goofy laugh.) Featherwhisker had gotten rid of Spottedleaf deliberately. He did not want his apprentice to know what he was planning to do. He was doing it for her and he had a feeling she would blame herself for what was going to happen to him if she knew what he was up to. He had given her full name two sunrises ago. He just hoped that he was right and she was ready to take on the duties of the only medicine cat.

The potion was designed to save Spottedleaf from the fate that Featherwhisker had suffered when he had been the elderly Goosefeather's apprentice. Featherwhisker was afraid he would go senile too and make Spottedleaf's life a living Dark Forest when he refused to retire. So he had concocted the potion using the sap of an oak, the oldest one in the forest, and a few other choice ingredients. With the help of this potion he would age so quickly that there would be no choice but to retire. Don't ask me how this makes sense.

Featherwhisker pawed open the cap of the Twoleg bottle in which he was storing the potion. He slurped it down and belched. Not bad tasting. He wished he'd made more.

But when he prepared to walk out of the den, Ashpaw was there, blocking his way. Because she was sick of cleaning out the elder's den and being forced to eat their dirt by her cruel siblings Ashpaw had run away from WindClan and joined ThunderClan. Now she was Redtail's first apprentice. "Eat grass, Featherwhisker," she ordered. "Eat grass."

"You mean yarrow, don't you?" asked Featherwhisker.

"Oh yeah," said Ashpaw, who kept forgetting that the much more simple way to make cats vomit was pretty much unused in the warriors universe. "Listen Featherwhisker, you know that's a dumb thing to drink."

"Do you even know what _that_ is?" growled Featherwhisker who didn't appreciate being ordered around by an apprentice, and a WindClan runaway, at that.

"Well the label that says _Featherwhisker's Awesume Aging Potion _is a clue. What are you aging yourself for anyway?"

Featherwhisker stormed past her and out of his den.

Around sunhigh, Featherwhisker was on patrol with Willowpelt, Brindleface, Runningwind and Thistleclaw. At least it would have been sunhigh if it hadn't been raining so hard the cats could barely see. Thistleclaw was desperately trying to organize the younger cats. "No, no, Brindleface, you can't go from that rock to that rock. You must check every bit of the border. Yes, _stupid places with no prey _too. Willowpelt, stop complaining. It was your decision to play hooky from Bluestar's special Chelford Park Awareness Course. You deserve to have to carry everyone else's prey rather than hunt. Runningwind, come back!" Thistleclaw took off across the RiverClan border. And hit Graypool! Graypool screamed, trembled with rage and hit Thistleclaw with a blow so hard, he fell off the rock he was sitting on and landed in the dirt.

Runningwind appeared out from behind a tree...on ThunderClan territory. He had raced across the border and doubled back right when Graypool showed up. He and Willowpelt and Brindleface all burst out laughing. They laughed so hard that Featherwhisker had to laugh too.

When he laughed, Featherwhisker felt a nasty lurch in his upper torso. He let out a scream identical to that of Graypool. What with the rain, the confusion and the blow to his head, Thistleclaw wasn't sure who was who. So he attacked Featherwhisker. But in his state he was incapable of properly attacking anyone. So he sort of tackled Featherwhisker. The force of the impact caused Featherwhisker to projectile vomit. Brindleface ran up a tree and cowered in its branches. "Hey, buddy," she said. "Watch the fur!"

Willowpelt, on the other hand, attempted to dig herself to safety. She tore up dirt with her hind paws, causing it to splash into Featherwhisker's face. This only made him vomit harder. Runningwind successfully dodged the spray. Thistleclaw was not so lucky. Featherwhisker's head turned and hit him full in the face.

"Okay," said Thistleclaw. "Now, I'm angry."

"You did _what_?" Bluestar was furious.

Brindleface and Willowpelt hung their heads. Only Runningwind looked unworried. "We're sorry, Bluestar," muttered the two she-cats. But Runningwind continued to look completely out of it.

Featherwhisker guessed he had better explain. "After Graypool bonked him on the head, Thistleclaw was so angry that he did the same to Runningwind. So now he can't tell what's going on."

"Take him to the medicine den, then," snapped Bluestar. "We can't have Thistleclaw doing that. I'm gonna put him on Elder Duty!"

Featherwhisker gasped. "Not Elder Duty! Surely it's these young cats that deserve Elder Duty!"

"No!" snapped Bluestar. "Thistleclaw is the one to blame because I HATE HIM and I SAID SO!"

"Hate to interrupt you in an out-of-character moment, Bluestar," said Adderfang, walking over to the group of cats but we have a slight situation in the elders den."

"A slight situation!" shouted Bluestar who was still in the out-of-character moment. "That must be Thistleclaw's fault too! Go GET him Featherwhisker!"

While Featherwhisker was deciding whether or not he should obey this ridiculous order, Mousefur and Redtail ambled out of the elders den supporting Windflight, who looked on his last legs. His fur had grayed, his skin was wrinkled and his teeth were falling out left and right.

(Darkkit ran over to grab as many teeth as he could to toss around with his brother and sister as practice for being a wannabe gloating mass-murderer later in life.)

_Wow_, thought Featherwhisker. _No wonder he said it was Poppydawn who had aching joints. He has a lot of premature aging to be embarrassed about._

"He's the youngest elder," said Redtail. "This shouldn't be happening yet."

"Wazzat you said, sonny!" asked Windflight.

Brightkit, observing how much of a stereotypical oldie Windflight sounded like, wailed, "If I eat a glowing vole will I become a stereotype of a bratty little girl?"

"Glowing vole?" asked Brindleface.

"Like that one I had her take to the elders' den! She's such a little helpful one!" said Rosetail. Then she broke off when everyone stared at her. "What? Is there something bad about glowing prey?"

"Yes, you idiot!" screamed Adderfang. "It's called NUCLEAR RADIATION, you mousebrain!"

"I didn't know. It's not my fault," said Rosetail. Then she burst into tears and dashed out of the camp. Leopardfoot dashed after her and prepared to comfort her.

"Of course, it's your fault," said Ashpaw. "You're on the author's don't like list on her profile. It could just as easily have been Frostfur's fault."

"Spottedleaf is also on that list," pointed out Sparrowpelt. "But she's innocent of all wrongdoing in this chapter."

"Someone hasn't read the ending," sniggered Darkkit to Icekit. Because Icekit is deaf he just scratched his ear and looked bored.

Stormtail glared at his son. "You know spoilers are forbidden, Darkkit. Even if they aren't spoilers for the series and just spoilers for a crappy fanfic. And even if the author of that fanfic is just _looking_ for excuses to break the Fourth Wall (**A/N Foreshadowing Alert**).

"Actually," Frostfur interjected. "I am quite intelligent and would never let a kit near a rodent with a potential nuclear contamination much less feed it to an elder."

Then-to move this stagnated plot along-Robinwing and Thrushpelt appeared at the tunnel entrance. "RiverClan warriors were demanding to speak to you, Bluestar," announced Robinwing.

Crookedstar stepped into the camp, followed by Ottersplash, Willowbreeze and a grumpy-looking Graypool. Oakheart brought up the rear.

"You were supposed to kill Timberfur for me!" shouted Oakheart. "I'm telling!"

After an Awkward Moment, Ashpaw finally spoke up. "That's in another reality, Oakheart. In this reality, Featherwhisker made aging potion and there's no need for Heatherstar to go all Old Testament on ThunderClan."

"Oh," said Oakheart and he slunk away, hoping that no one had absorbed the implications of what he had just said.

Crookedstar waved his tail for Graypool to speak. The gray she-cat rasped, "We have a problem to address."

"I am aware of that," said Bluestar sounding more like her old self again. "I am very sorry about Thistleclaw. He will be exiled."

Well maybe not like her old self.

"I know what you mean but that's not what I mean," answered Graypool. "You see, Bluestar, since one of your cats vomited near the river a couple of our kits have played in the water near the Sunningrocks. Suddenly they are no longer kits."

"Why?" asked Brindleface. "Is swimming like a bar mitzvah in RiverClan?

"It would make sense," remarked Mousefur. "Leafpaw tells Stoneteller that the Clans have very different customs but I'm yet to see much evidence of it. Even if I do know a cat who did run away from WindClan."

"Hey," snapped Stormtail. "What did I say about spoilers?"

"Everyone's already read Dawn," said Mousefur.

"Well, I haven't," answered Stormtail. "So next time think before you speak and don't assume anything is obvious or that we all have bookstores near us that supply our warriors books at whim."

"Stormtail, we're cats," his mate Dappletail rolled her eyes. "There _are no_ bookstores we have access to...or is your character supposed to be a stand-in for some fan?"

"The kits in question grew _physically_ into adults in one night," said Willowbreeze.

"It's the nuclear radiation!" screamed Runningwind. "Nuclear Radiation!"

"Nuclear radiation!" gasped Graypool, Crookedstar and Willowbreeze. But Ottersplash just looked confused. "New air raid what?"

"No more of this nonsense!" shouted Crookedstar. "Bluestar, whatever _Twoleg thing_ has been put in the river, your cats know something about it, don't they?"

"Well, Runningwind hit his head," said Willlowpelt. "So he's not exactly a reliable source right now."

"But we found a glowing vole," shouted Frostfur. "And I brought it back from the glowing vomit on the shore of Sunningrocks."

The author felt the need to point out that this really obvious bit of hypocritical humour was intentional because she is insecure about her work.

Bluestar understandably groaned. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"

"Why that must be Featherwhisker's vomit pile," gasped Brindleface. "I knew there was a good reason I didn't want to get any on my fur...besides the obvious, I mean."

You _knew_ about this?" Willowbreeze was angry now.

"We didn't know that my vomit attracted nuclear radiation," snapped Featherwhisker.

"Bluestar," said Crookedstar. "I suggest we each send a delegation to the Twoleg prime minister. That's like a Clan leader, only he needs to be chosen by the majority vote and he only is leader for four years before they replace him. I've heard tell he knows a thing or two about nuclear radiation."

"You're confusing him with conspiracy theories about the leader of American-Clan," said Bluestar. "These people have people. They're not gonna sort out the technicalities of scientific-nuclear-mumbo-jumbo themselves. And I'm not sure if it's four years in Englandclan where our qualified authors reside. Definitely CanadaClan where the crap fanfiction author resides but she's not one to do research beyond reading warriors books for her fanfiction..."

"Guys," interjected Lionheart. "You're missing the really scary part here. They kill their leader every four years?"

"No mousebrain," his sister, Goldenflower, kicked him. "Then no one would want to be leader. They just exile him. I think."

"No, no," Crookedstar was now wondering why he was asking this Clan for help. "They just let him stay in the Clan but he's no longer leader. Or he can be but the majority has to say that he's still a good leader."

"What do you mean, _still_?" Poppydawn scoffed. "WE cats know that leaders only get better with age."

"Like farts?" snickered Lionheart. Goldenflower rolled her eyes.

"Uh, if I could interrupt," Ashpaw finally spoke up. "We might not have to send a delegation if Featherwhisker just tells us about his..."

"Shut up, kid," said Running wind. "Adults are telling fart jokes."

"But this morning I saw Featherwhisker drink a"

"Tattletale," interrupted the medicine cat and he stuck his tongue out at Ashpaw.

Bluestar wasn't listening to this exchange. She was thinking about the ultimate way to punish Thistleclaw. She would send HIM on the journey to see the Twoleg prime minister. And she would send Runningwind, Brindleface and Willowpelt, the very cats who had made his day difficult, with him. Perhaps Spottedleaf should go too. ThunderClan was lucky to have two medicine cats.

"I will send Oakheart and three warriors, Mistyfoot, Stonefur and Spotpelt," Crookedstar said. "Oakheart turned down my offer to be deputy but I think he has proved himself worthy of this trip."

Bluestar would not be outdone. "My deputy, Robinwing, will go, along with Willowpelt, Runningwing, Brindleface, Thistleclaw and Spottedleaf to provide medicinal treatments."

"Bluestar," said Ashpaw. "Logically the problem is Featherwhisker's Awesome.."

"Yes, I know that Featherwhisker's awesome," Bluestar grumbled. "As the only apprentice, it is your job to tend to Windflight here, Ashpaw."

Windflight now had dandruff, a wrinkled face and clearly no ability to control his bowel movements judging by...well, you can guess what had happened.

"Oh great," muttered Ashpaw. "I left WindClan for _this_?"

The expedition to the Twoleg PM's office set off the following morning. The entirety of ThunderClan and RiverClan was up to see them off and they all cheered throatily. This was before long journeys made by Clan cats became commonplace, you see. It was still a big event back then.

No sooner had the cats trekked past Fourtrees than Dawncloud of ShadowClan leapt out of the bushes and onto the Great Rock to address the assembled Clans. "Cats of ThunderClan and RiverClan, a great horror is being wrought on us by Twolegs."

"We know," said Bluestar. "A delegation has been sent to the Twoleg prime minister to deal with the radioactive waste spill."

Dawncloud gasped. "What's radiowaste? I'm talking about the air raid. The elders have passed down horrific stories about the Twoleg War With the Twoleg Clan Across the Channel of Water and THERE'S GONNA BE ANOTHER ONE!"

Pandemonium ensued. Warriors, apprentices, elders and kits ran around and around the clearing shrieking. Only Ashpaw stayed where she was. "Wait a minute," she said to herself. "Didn't Ottersplash mishear nuclear radiation as 'new air raid'? Maybe she told other RiverClan cats and they told WindClan and they told ShadowClan and this is like a game of broken telephone."

Bluestar, as leader, had more pressing tasks than worrying about games of broken telephone. To be specific, she stood on Highrock and yowled. "Quiiiieeetttt!"

Everyone froze. Darkkit stopped in the middle of pushing Brightkit off a tree. Brightkit couldn't stop herself from falling and landed in the safety of her mother's jowls.

If you bother to ask anyone but yourself what two kits were doing in a tree when their mother was right there in a crappy fanfiction that no one is bothering to review than you deserve to have your brain confused.

Bluestar then organized all the Clans into tunnel digging droves. WindClan tunnellers were the work group leaders. The cats needed a sturdy bunker right under Fourtrees. They supported it by dragging wood beams from the Treecut place into position. Inter-Clan hunting expeditions piled prey in the bunker. Unfortunately, the worst of the aging potion had floated through an underground estuary to a pool under Fourtrees. Of course, the river was infected but that would wear off soon.

Fortunately, the aging potion only affected cats. If it had affected trees, bushes or prey than I'm not sure what the Clans would have done for food. They were already suffering from a cartoonish lack of common sense.

Because leaders die more easily than other cats in order that they may further the plot, Bluestar lost five lives in that stretch of time to illnesses that afflict aged cats. Timberfur, of course, only had one life to lose and Oakheart was happy when he got old and died.

In less than a moon, kits grew into warriors. Young warriors became senior warriors. Older warriors became elders. Stonepelt, Stormtail, Addderfang, Tawnyspots, Windflight, and Swiftbreeze died of old age. Sparrowpelt, Smallear, Thrushpelt, White-eye and Dappletail became elders. Patchpelt was well on his way, as was Leopardfoot. Rosetail moved to the elder's den too. Featherwhisker, who had ironically drank the potion seemed to have developed immunity to it.

"Hey!" snapped Featherwhisker. "That's not fair!"

The author shrugged. "You made a bad decision. You suffer the consequences."

"Of course," said Ashpaw. "It would make more sense for him to hate growing old. That would be a better lesson to teach. However, I like that everyone suffers for one cat's actions. It's just like real life that way."

And the prime ministerial delegation? They were briefed by his cat on the unlikelihood of a nuclear waste spill being in the river without more serious effects. They returned home to find much older Clans. Robinwing was disappointed that she had been replaced as deputy but pleased to be able to have kits with Fuzzypelt one last time.

**Next: Bluestar's Family Planning Initiative! Then: Colonization of Chelford Park! Then: Rebuilding the Fourth Wall is so Boring that Time Stands Still!**

**Please review, that's all I ask.**

P. S. Spottedleaf did manage to make a love-inducing concoction a half-year later. When she was finished, she hollowed out a mouse and filled it with the herbs. Foolishly she taste tested it herself. Then she carelessly left the mouse in front of her den where Dustpaw found it and dragged it to the elders den. Poor little Firepaw didn't know any better and gobbled up the remains of the mouse. Now these two are foolishly in love with each other to the end.


	3. Explanation 3: Bluestar's Birth Control!

**This is not Briarpaw speaking. This is Ashpaw. Attention fanfiction readers! The author of this piece is a huge hypocrite. She is criticizing the Erins for poor timeline organization but she herself is guilty of the exact same thing. In her other fanfiction, Moonflower Grows Up, she puts every cat in the allegiances of Bluestar's Prophecy into the story except for the ones who are elders by Into the Wild and therefore must have been very young in Bluestar's Prophecy. There needs to be time for Pinestar to be on his ninth life by the start of the book yet in her fanfiction he's not even deputy yet. Some cats need to be born in between...Ow! Help, help, kidnap!**

**Sorry about that. Ashpaw still doesn't know that there are some things you don't say out loud. Anyway, as you can probably tell from that little outburst, I don't own warriors. **

**Explanation #3: Bluestar's Birth Control Initiative!**

It was a dark and stormy night. Or not. It was a dark and snowy...no, wrong time of the year for that. Let's just say it was a moonlit and mild night. And Bluestar was out walking alone as she sometimes did. Leading a Clan was hard work and Bluestar wanted to get away from them for a little while. Some of her best leadership ideas came alone hunting when every other cat was asleep.

Tonight Bluestar felt...not depressed exactly. More like pensive and melancholy. Remembering her kits. Her mate. Her sister's death. The battle that had killed Moonflower. Her father's distant behaviour with her mother. Sweetpaw. Leopardfoot's dead kits and lost mate.

All that Bluestar could not have done anything about. Even a great leader couldn't stop a cat departing for StarClan, or make the previous leaders make different choices, or change the fact that the Clan expected a queen to stay in the nursery and would not let a queen be deputy.

Except...one of those things she could change! She could change the last one! She just needed a few Twoleg things. With new excitement in her step, Bluestar rushed past the camp, past Tallpines and into Twolegplace. There were a few things she needed from her old friend Quince, with whom she had struck up an acquaintanceship with after Jake left, leaving Quince with only a picture and three kits...

The next morning, Thisleclaw stood on the Highrock doing morning roll call. "Brightkit? Icekit? Darkkit? All still asleep, I see. Ashpaw? Wait, I know you're here because I heard someone complain that Clans don't do roll call in the mornings. Mousepaw? Where's Mousepaw?"

Thistleclaw took a good long look around the Clan. No one was paying attention to him. Cats were milling about sharing tongues, eating fresh kill or, in Robinwing's case, organizing the day's patrols and acting as if Thistleclaw weren't even talking.

"Attention, everyone!" yowled Thistleclaw. Runningpaw, Mousepaw and Ashpaw looked up from where they were sharing fresh kill, realized he wasn't talking about an assessment, decided this wouldn't affect their grades and returned to eating. Adderfang trotted to the foot of the Highrock and proceeded to stand at attention like the suck-up he was. Dappletail poked her head out of the nursery to hiss, "Shh, you'll wake my kits." That was all. Everyone else ignored Thistleclaw.

"Guys, guys!" said Thistleclaw desperately. "Our leader's missing. Someone should take charge around here and..."

"Our deputy's not too concerned," Redtail pointed out.

Thisleclaw could feel himself bristling with rage inside. But outwardly he remained calm. He wasn't deputy. He had to deal with that. For now. "Robinwing has her own duties to deal with, Redtail. I thought someone else should take note of any other missing cats."

"There aren't any," said Redtail. "We're all here except Bluestar and you know she was just out wandering at night like she thinks we don't know she does. She's probably in her den exhausted right now."

"Prove it," challenged Thislteclaw. He knew darn well Bluestar wasn't in her den. He just wanted Redtail to look stupid. Then maybe Bluestar would make him deputy instead. And then he wouldn't die and Redtail wouldn't die and Bluestar would exile Tigerclaw and Thistleclaw would be able to stage a bloody coup. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

But changing a prewritten plot is impossible in a prequel and Bluestar wasn't there which embarrassed Redtail but she wasn't there to see his embarrassment either. Thistleclaw set to work planning another prequel, one that would leave his face on the cover of _Into the Wild. _Rusty looks like some kind of emotionless ceramic cat. Thistleclaw knew _he_ would look good in paperback!

Indeed it was well past sunhigh when Bluestar returned. She came harnessed to a little covered carriage. As she made her way into the camp she called, "I'm back!"

Frostfur, Brindleface, Whitestorm, Lionheart, Tigerclaw, Goldenflower, Spottedleaf and Willowpelt all looked up guiltily from the card table that had magically appeared in the middle of the camp. Frostfur had shaved the fur off of her tail so she looked like a rat. Brindleface had a moustache drawn on her. Whitestorm was wearing a girly bonnet, bubblegum lipstick and a pink ribbon with as many frills on it as was felinely possible. Lionheart was blindfolded and had his front paws tied together. He held his cards in his teeth and was being (wrongly) directed on which card was which by Tigerclaw who was wearing a placard around his neck that said "Doofus." Goldenflower was dressed in a diaper and carried a pacifier in her mouth. Spottedleaf was tipsy from taking a shot every time Brindleface said the word, "pussy." Willowpelt was sliding around in a suit that was too big for her and balancing a pipe on the end of her nose as a dare.

"Is this what goes on when I'm not here?" Bluestar thundered. "Spottedleaf, you too? Whitestorm I raised you better than this." Totally humiliated, Whitestorm pawed the bonnet off of his head. Spottedleaf just laughed like a hyena and put sticky notes on her eyelids. Then she fluttered them, causing one of the elders to have a seizure.

"Well, it's not like we can play for money," Lionheart reminded her, living up to his name in terms of bravery. Or maybe it was just because he couldn't see the steam coming out of his leader's ears. "Yeah," agreed Frostfur, emboldened by her crush's words. "And Dappletail took the kits and apprentices out of the camp for the day so it's all good."

"Dappletail is involved!" shrieked Bluestar. "That's even worse! Why, she's older than me! She's not one of these silly younger generations! But I notice that Redtail is not here and for that I will make him deputy should anything happen to Robinwing."

"Aw shucks," said Thistleclaw from his little writing corner in which he was trying to write prequels on a stereotypical typewriter, listening to 'inspiring' music and drinking straight from the bottle. "I can't win."

"_Ageism _aside," growled Goldenflower, dropping the pacifier out of her mouth as she spoke (Spottedleaf picked it up, sucked on it and was instantly in ecstasy at the taste), "I don't see why we're doing anything wrong. It's just a brief game, we get in a much needed bit of fun and we've already done our duties today."

"Oh really," hissed Bluestar. "Did you feed the elders?"

"Yes!" insisted the young cats as a group. "No!" came the collective reply from the elder's den.

"There are going to be some changes around here," hissed Bluestar. "First you take off those ridiculous Twoleg things, then you each grab other Twoleg things and write an essay on the evils of gambling and then..."

"Hey, what about us? Isn't it most heinous that they neglected us?" came the protest from the elders' den.

Bluestar was about to yell at the elders' for not stopping the young cats in the first place when time stopped and every other cat in the camp froze solid. Moonflower's spirit stepped to Earth. "Daughter," she said. "You're getting the plot off track. Time to return to the main plot, don't you think?"

"Yes," said Bluestar. "Yes, of course." Moonflower began to fade. "Wait, don't go!"

"I have to," whispered her mother. "The author of this fanfiction doesn't write parody fics about StarClan cats because she thinks they tend to lose their personalities once they are in StarClan."

"Oh that's unfair. I hate you!" Bluestar screamed at the author.

"You're right," the author admitted. "I'll make it up to you by erasing this whole poker situation."

"Thank you," said Bluestar with genuine gratitude. When the cats were unfrozen, they had been hunting for the elders all day instead of playing weird poker games. Only Spottedleaf thought anything was out of the ordinary. She had a weird slippery plastic taste in her mouth. Odd.

"Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey join beneath the Highrock for a Clan meeting!" Bluestar called.

One by one, the other cats gathered, chatting animatedly and wondering greatly about whatever Bluestar had on hand in her cat-drawn carriage. Mousepaw thought it contained some new sort of prey from Twolegplace. Runningpaw insisted it was the drapings of a Twoleg holiday-Hanukkah or Easter or something. Your options for celebratory pomp are pretty limited when you live in the middle of the forest. Larksong hoped it was some sort of cane or wheelchair for the elders. She wasn't getting any younger. But Spottedleaf insisted that Bluestar had raided a vet's office. They had everything for caring for sick cats. Tigerclaw suggested that she might have gathered chains and other restraining devices with which to start a prison but Ashpaw reminded him that he was in chapter three, not chapter one. Only Thistleclaw thought that Bluestar had gone to sell their Clan out to the kittypet menace. But no one listened to him.

"I'm listening," said Snowfur in StarClan. "And I, for one, think that you're being too hard on Thistleclaw. He's hotheaded and kinda mean to cats he doesn't like but he's not pathetic."

"So he's a potential tyrant and an apprentice abuser but you're upset because I'm making your mate look pathetic?" asked the author.

"No, you are. You are secretly ashamed of your character assassination because you like to imitate the quality of the real writers."

"Who says I'm not a real writer? I've written my own original characters you know."

"For whom? Your teachers?"

"And literary magazine submissions."

"That you never heard back from. And you decided not to enter a contest because you didn't want to bother with the ten-dollar fee."

"No, because I had too much homework. Becoming an actual author of something more than fanfiction is hard work."

"I think you just didn't want to pay the fee. And knew your submission wasn't much good."

"Kits, kits," said Moonflower. "Behave like legal adults." "Yes, Moonflower," said Snowfur and the author, chastened.

Bluestar unveiled the cat-drawn carriage. Inside were several boxes of pills, piles of condoms and a sign on a post that said Bluestar's Birth Control Initiative.

"What does that mean? Controlling whose birth?" asked Larksong.

"You'll find out soon enough," said Adderfang. "Once our leader gets to it."

Bluestar took this as her cue. She waved her tail for silence. "Friends! Romans! Clanmates! I have something from Twolegplace that will revolutionize our lives! And keep our Clan from getting too big for me to handle."

"This better not be like the time that Pinestar liked Twoleg things enough to go live with them," muttered Leopardfoot.

"Surely, you do not think I would leave you," Bluestar waved her tail to silence the rising muttering. "I am not like Pinestar. For instance, I do not molest apprentices."

"I was definitely well past the age of consent in cat years," muttered Leopardfoot. Patchpelt raised an eyebrow. Goldenflower, sensing trouble, said quickly, "I see you have Twoleg medicine. Is this for one of our diseases? And what do those balloon things do?"

"They are not," Bluestar firmly replied, "balloons." She crawled underneath the cat-drawn carriage and came up with a portable TV set and a VCR. She attached them to miles of extension cord and put the tape in the slot.

To maintain this fanfic's relatively mild rating, I will not describe in detail exactly what sort of film it was. To give you the general idea, I will tell you that the kits woke up from their nap, wandered out and ended up slack jawed in place, unable to look away from the screen. Their mother covered their eyes, insisted there was nothing to see and forced them to take another nap. White-Eye wished that she could do the same to her kits as Runningpaw whispered, "Wow, is that position even possible?" and Mousepaw immediately began taking detailed notes. Although the gray she-cat did have to be physically restrained when Rosetail began giving her daughter advice.

"So," said Bluestar when the film was over. "What does this film teach us?"

"How to make oral sex good?" asked Mousepaw smiling dreamily and then she winked at Rosetail, who winked back.

"Well, um, yes, maybe that too but..."

"That it would be stupid to have sex with a Twoleg because you might get sick?" asked Stormtail. "Like we needed someone to tell us it's stupid. No offense to our readers but you really are smelly, hairless monkeys."

"No, but you're getting warmer," Bluestar's tail twitched grumpily at Stormtail and Dappletail's touching pelts and intertwined tails. It was bad enough that she had to watch her father do that with a she-cat who wasn't her mother. Now she had to watch it as a disruption to one of her Clan meetings. "Think about what Twolegs do to prevent that...and other consequences."

"Great!" shrieked Leopardfoot. "She's gonna be worse than Pinestar!" "Kit molester," muttered Patchpelt.

"I was not a kit!"

"I think that Bluestar brought us these supplies because she wants us to have the option of using them if we want to," said Ashpaw because she hasn't really had much of a part in this chapter.

"What if some cat who's important to the plot isn't born because we use them?" asked White-Eye. "That could mean the Clan dies out."

"You can't change the future in a prequel," Thistleclaw reassured her. "Believe me, I know."

"You mean if we do anything now, it's meant to happen and won't screw up the future?" asked Lionheart. There was an evil smile growing on his testosterone-affected face.

"No!" said Bluestar. Crisis averted. For now. "I would like to introduce Quince!" The pile rumbled and Quince burst out. "She's been using these Twoleg birth control methods herself ever since her only three kits turned out to be a pair of heartless bullies and a totalitarian dictator!"

"Did you really have to go and tell them that, Bluestar," snapped Quince. "It's my own personal business. Now they won't want to learn anything from me."

"I understand, Quince," said Goldenflower. "I'd like to learn this too just in case."

"This better be about you, not me," hissed Tigerclaw.

"I'm not supposed to be your mate yet remember," Goldenflower shook her head at how few cats remembered how the plot was supposed to go. "And anyway, why would I not want you to have kits? Is there something wrong with you? I just don't want any before I'm ready, sheesh."

Tigerclaw nodded. "Right. Sorry. Everyone ignore what I just gave away. I mean there's nothing wrong with me. And if there was I wouldn't try to recruit my kits. Not that there's anything to recruit them for, I mean."

"Tigerclaw, I'm disappointed in you," meowed Leopardfoot. "You're much cooler in canon." "Actually he's kind of a loser in _Bluestar's Prophecy_," muttered Runningpaw. "That's your opinion," answered Mousepaw. "I trained that out of him," growled Thistleclaw.

Bluestar then made all of them use birth control until the disproportionate amount of petty bickering going on ended. Some liked it, some didn't, but all of them had no kits until Bluestar said it was okay, the leaf-bare right before the beginning of Into the Wild.

**Lionheart lost baaaad. So yeah, I wonder what Bluestar would think of actual birth control if she knew such a thing existed. Up next, Time Travel Explanation!**


End file.
